It isn’t OK.

Well, let me rephrase: it’s OK and yet, it isn’t helping women on a bigger scale. It isn’t problematic to individual women and yet it contributes to women being and remaining the sex caste.

Many feminists are familiar with the idea that our choices do not occur in a vacuum. This is feminism 101, something you pick up when you start reading feministy blogs and forums. All the choices we make are illusions. There’s a reason why we do things. There’s a reason why I chose to wear the dress I’m wearing right now: it’s pwetty! It ‘flatters’ my ‘womanly’ figure. And people compliment me on it. I love it so much that I sometimes wear it twice a week.

There’s also a reason why I’m wearing the shoes I’m wearing: it’s pwetty! The receptionist at works loves it. It’s also mostly comfortable.

So it’s dishonest to say that wearing high heels is a feminist act when it comes with so many rewards. It’s dishonest to say that showing cleavage, as I’m doing today, is a feminist act. And it’s dishonest to think that presenting as femme, as I’m doing today, is a feminist act.

I’m taking up very little space right now because the dress I’m wearing is forcing me to sit with closed legs. My handbag is on the ground for all to see. I’m sitting with my feet together. My hair is blow-dried and is bra-length. I look like a ‘womanly woman’, one who would be nurturing and passive and charming.

The rest of the people in the coffee shop would never guess I’m a radical feminist. They’d never guess with how much passion I can debate. They’d never guess that I only shave my armpits on special occasions. Worse, still, I’m not giving any of the women here the idea that it’d be OK to present as butch.

I’m not doing much to overthrow the kyriarchy today. Besides writing this blog post. ‘Cause you see, I’m conforming, whether it’s my ‘choice’ or not. There’s a certain way that society wants me to look and I’m going along. I’m not disturbing anyone’s idea of what a woman should look like. I am reaping the rewards of the kyriarchy. Why? Well, the kyriarchy has a wonderful loyalty programme with plenty of rewards: beneficial treatment, compliments and many more. The other reason is because I’ve been socialised to present as feminine. And there are probably also tons of other reasons why I go along, reasons that I might not even know of.

I own that. I own my ‘choices’. And I am aware that presenting as a femme is not going to overthrow the kyriarchy. Whether I’m OK with that is a different matter.

I just wish more feminists would realise that everything they do contributes towards everything else, even, *especially* the kyriarchy.

And that radical feminists, as far as I’m aware, aren’t judging the women who go along with the kyriarchy. We judge their choices, as much as we judge our own.  We’re not saying women/feminists *should* or shouldn’t do something; we’re saying that many of the things we do are problematic. That’s the difference.

Please help: I have a little problem, which is actually far bigger than it sounds. I notice it whenever I’m reading something, whether it is online or offline, in the ‘real’ world. It matters not whether I’m reading the NY Review of books or Jezebel; I encounter the same problem every time.

Let’s say that I’m reading an article about X. The article describes someone but doesn’t mention gender or race. My first reaction to such an article is to — subconsciously — think that the subject is a white man. So there’s nothing wrong with white men, I promise, but can you imagine just how surprised — never mind angry at myself — I am when I discover the subject is actually a black lesbian?

So I want to know how to overcome this. What do I do?

Love,

Ekke

Dear Joy-Mari

I love that you are not afraid or ashamed to love, no matter whether it is reciprocated. It takes you months, sometimes years, to say those three words but that is not what really matters. What matters is that you love.

Your laugh is absolutely crazy and I adore you for that. Rock on, sista. Don’t ever tone it down for anyone, no matter who they are. So what if it gets you evil looks from across the room at places such as The One & Only? Who cares?

What really  amazes me is the way you can handle a compliment. That’s rare. Few people accept a compliment with as much grace as you. Thank you for giving people, even hot guys who compliment you, the benefit of the doubt

I feel safe with you. I know that you only want the very best for us. Not to mention your obsession with finding ways of improving our relationship — silent retreats, weekly check-in sessions, stealth hugs. Thanks for that.

And finally, you’ve grown so much as a person since I came to know you. It’s been fun to watch you progress from that silly 23-year-old (no offense, 23-year-old Joy-Mari) to the 28-year-old of today. Here’s to another 100 years together. OK, fine, another 90 years together should do the trick.

Much love,

Ekke

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JWUXXXJq8k]

A couple of thoughts: the white guys look like nice, decent and thoughtful potential partners. They look like someone I can meet on Dating SA. The black guys, however, are your stereotypical gangsters and thugs.

But that’s not my biggest problem with this Brandhouse ad; my biggest problem is that it seems to be condoning jail rape, which we all know is a big problem in South African prisons.

Here’s what Chris Roper says about the ad. And yes, I absolutely agree with him:

There’s no appeal to our civic sense, to our desire to do the right thing, to our awareness of how driving drunk can hurt others. No, what we’re selling is how driving drunk can hurt YOU.

The other thing that is problematic is that prison is already a punishment. Do we really want people to be afraid of being raped inside the place that is supposed to punish them for their behaviour? I realise that it is a reality; I realise that rape inside prisons happen. But what I do not condone is the attempt by Brandhouse to make light of it. “It’s ridiculous and reinforces the stereotypical image that people in prison are inherently bad and can’t be rehabilitated. That is deeply concerning,” – Lorenzo Wakefield at the Community Law Centre.

The one good thing about this campaign is the breathalyser machines inside drinking holes such as Mr Pickwicks in Long Street. I actually saw one there recently. Pop in a R5 coin and you can analyse your breath to find out whether you’re still within your  0,05 g per 100ml of blood.

The only thing that’s going to stop drunken driving is by making it socially unacceptable. Similar to how we’ve made it socially unacceptable to go without applying deodorant or how we’ve made women feel uncomfortable about their armpit hair. But the big difference is that this will actually save lives.

Question: Would we condone this ad if they used the threat of rape against women? If not, why is it OK to use it against men?

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So this is what I want to do. I want to collect pictures of your armpit hair. No, I’m not some kind of pervert. And no, you don’t need to show your face. I’m making a couple of assumptions here: that you grow armpit hair and that you’re a woman.

Please send all photos to joycloete@gmail.com and let’s get this revolution started.

2) Close the tab

3) Reopen the closed tab

4) Read the comments

5) Realise that your comment won’t be pithy enough to stand out

6) Go to bed

7) Curse yourself for reading blogs that have become far too popular for your own good
Wake up at 3am with a comment that might be good enough to feature in ‘Comment of the week’

9) Write a list-based post on the blog that you abandoned 3 months ago instead of commenting on the post

10) Save the post in the draft folder and only return to it a month later

11) Post it

I’ll be back though. I just need to reread Things fall apart for the nth time. It seems that some people think Achebe was sympathetic to the ‘woman question‘. I need to test this hypothesis. In the meantime I can recommend the following: Persepolis, Happiness, Pleasantville, I’ve loved you for so long, The rabbi’s cat, and ‘Reason‘ from I, Robot.

I took it and realised that it needs some work. The average person responding to the first question — In the dating game, nice guys always finish last –  might answer based on their limited sample of data: friends, family members and possibly acquaintances. Their answer might not reflect what they believe, but what they notice around them. I answered ‘Disagree completely’ because what is a ‘nice guy‘ anyway?

The second question: I am a heterosexual woman and this question erases my existence. I answered ‘Disagree Completely’.

The third question also seems to talk to a hypothetical male reader. I answered ‘Disagree Completely’.

The fourth question: well, I don’t know the answer. I answered ‘Disagree completely’ but who knows? Perhaps women are seemingly more adept at learning languages but because of nurture, not nature.

The fifth question: once again, nurture plays a role here. This might not have anything to do with nature so I answered ‘Disagree completely’. But let’s face it, men rarely talk about their feelings unless we press them for it. This is because our society believes that ‘real men don’t cry’ and other nonsense like that. Does this make me a sexist cause I happen to notice more women being comfortable talking about their feelings?

The sixth question: Yes, of course women worry more about their weight. We’re constantly bombarded by the media, by friends, by everyone that we should be young, pretty and skinny. This is not due to being hardwired to worry about our weight more often. Does it make me borderline sexist to answer ‘Agree completely’?

The seventh question: Once again we should ask why. Is it because of nature or nurture? Women are conditioned to want marriage and 2.5 children. It aint sexist to agree with this statement.

The eighth question: I can’t remember my answer.But the ‘very emotional’ bit would put me off a guy. Emotional is good on its own

The ninth question: ‘Agree completely’

The tenth question: ‘Agree completely’. Of course there are benefits to having stay-at-home mother, just as there would be benefits to having a stay-at-home father. It isn’t sexist to accept that. The problem is not with having a stay-at-home parent, the problem is that all too often it’s presented as the only choice available to women.

This is awesome.

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